DEAR MAN

Definition

DEAR MAN is a core DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skill that teaches you how to ask for what you want or say no to requests assertively while maintaining self-respect and healthy relationships.

Purpose

Used to:

Effectively express needs and boundaries.
Improve the likelihood of getting your objectives met.
Reduce anxiety about asserting yourself.
Enhance relationships by being clear and direct.

When to Use

Use this skill when:

You need to ask for something important.
You must say no but want to do so skillfully.
You want to negotiate a compromise.
You feel resentment building up due to unexpressed needs.

When Not to Use

Avoid using if:

You or the other person is in an extreme crisis (consider Distress Tolerance first).
Timing is poor (e.g., high emotion, lack of privacy).
Your goal is to vent rather than problem-solve.

How-To

DEAR MAN is an acronym:

D – Describe

Clearly describe the situation without judgment.
Example: “Yesterday, you interrupted me three times during the meeting.”

E – Express

Share how you feel or what you believe.
Example: “I felt frustrated and dismissed.”

A – Assert

State what you need or want.
Example: “I’d like you to let me finish speaking.”

R – Reinforce

Explain positive outcomes of cooperation.
Example: “That way, we can work better as a team.”

M – Mindful

Stay focused on your goal.
Ignore distractions, attacks, or attempts to derail.
Example: Broken record technique—repeat your request calmly.

A – Appear Confident

Use a steady voice, eye contact, and open body language.

N – Negotiate

Be willing to give to get.
Offer alternatives or ask for suggestions.

Tips & Variations

Rehearse what you’ll say to feel prepared.
Write down your DEAR MAN script beforehand.
Use GIVE skills to maintain relationships.
Pair with FAST skills to protect self-respect.
If you feel shaky, practice with a trusted person first.

Example

Scenario: Asking for a project deadline extension.

D: “The last two weeks, I’ve been managing multiple urgent client requests.”

E: “I feel overwhelmed and concerned about the quality of my work.”

A: “I’d like to request a two-day extension.”

R: “This will help me ensure the project meets our standards.”

M: Stay focused if your boss tries to change the topic.

A: Keep steady voice and posture.

N: “If two days isn’t possible, could I have until end of day tomorrow?”

Inventor / Origin

Developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, as part of DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills training.

Related Skills

GIVE (to keep relationships)
FAST (to maintain self-respect)
Opposite Action (to approach conflict)

Limitations

May not be effective if:

The other person is unwilling to negotiate.
You use it in a highly emotional or volatile situation.
You are unclear about your objective.

Evidence Base

Research shows:

Assertiveness training improves relationship satisfaction.
Structured communication increases chances of getting needs met.
Practicing DEAR MAN reduces interpersonal anxiety.

References

Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. Guilford Press.
Paterson, R. (2000). The Assertiveness Workbook. New Harbinger Publications.
Bower, S.A., & Bower, G.H. (2004). Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. Da Capo Press.

DEAR MAN – Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Tool