Willingness vs. Willfulness Skill

Definition

Willingness means choosing to do what works in each situation, with openness and flexibility.
Willfulness is the opposite—stubbornly refusing to tolerate reality, clinging to control, or giving up entirely.

Purpose

Used to:

Help you let go of rigid, self-defeating behaviors.
Foster an open, accepting attitude that promotes effective action.
Support problem-solving and acceptance in distressing situations.
Increase psychological flexibility and resilience.

When to Use

Use Willingness when:

You catch yourself resisting reality or digging in your heels.
You are stuck in unhelpful patterns (e.g., procrastination, passive-aggression).
You want to act skillfully, rather than react impulsively.
You need to accept what you cannot change and do what is needed.

When Not to Use

Avoid using if:

Immediate action is required for safety, not acceptance.
You are in situations of abuse where compliance may be dangerous.
You have not identified whether your willfulness serves a protective purpose that needs exploring first.

How-To

Observe Willfulness:
- Notice signs of resistance (“I won’t,” “I shouldn’t have to,” “No.”).
- Label it: “Willfulness.”
Radically Accept the Moment:
- Acknowledge reality: “This is what is happening.”
Turn the Mind Toward Willingness:
- Decide to open yourself to doing what works.
- Recommit each time willfulness returns.
Ask:
- “What is the effective action here?”
- “What would willingness look like right now?”
Act Willingly:
- Take the next right step, however small.

Tips & Variations

Use body posture: unclench fists, relax shoulders, soften your face.
Imagine physically laying down your resistance.
Willingness does not mean liking the situation—it means accepting it.
Keep practicing; willingness is a choice you make over and over.

Example

Devon was told they needed to redo a project at work.

Willfulness: “I refuse. It’s not fair.”
Shift: Recognize resistance and name it.
Willingness: “I don’t like this, but I will do what is needed to move forward.”

Inventor / Origin

Developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, this skill draws on:

Zen concepts of radical acceptance
Behavioral principles of effectiveness
Mindfulness of internal resistance

Related Skills

Radical Acceptance
Turning the Mind
Mindfulness of Current Emotion

Limitations

May not be effective if:

You use it as avoidance (e.g., to avoid expressing boundaries).
You expect willingness to remove discomfort.
You haven’t acknowledged and validated your emotions first.

Evidence Base

Research shows:

Practicing willingness reduces experiential avoidance.
Willingness increases adaptive coping and psychological well-being.
Mindfulness-based acceptance improves emotional regulation.

References

Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. New York: Guilford Press.
Hayes, S.C., Strosahl, K.D., & Wilson, K.G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change.

Willingness vs. Willfulness – Distress Tolerance DBT Tool