Validation Skills

Definition

Validation Skills are techniques used to acknowledge, accept, and communicate understanding of another person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors without necessarily agreeing with them. Validation means letting someone know their experience makes sense within their context.

Purpose

Used to:

Reduce emotional escalation.
Build trust and strengthen relationships.
Help others feel understood and accepted.
Improve problem-solving by calming intense emotions.

When to Use

Use validation when:

Someone is upset or emotionally dysregulated.
You want to de-escalate conflict.
You notice someone feeling misunderstood, shamed, or criticized.
You want to deepen emotional connection.

When Not to Use

Avoid using if:

The person is in immediate danger (prioritize safety).
You are in a crisis and need to use distress tolerance first.
The validation would be inauthentic or manipulative.

How-To

DBT teaches 6 Levels of Validation (adapted from Marsha Linehan):

1. Be Present

Pay full attention with eye contact, nodding, and an open posture.
Put away distractions.

2. Reflect

Repeat or paraphrase what you heard.
“It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated.”

3. Mind Reading

Notice and label feelings even if they weren’t said.
“I can tell you’re feeling disappointed.”

4. Understand History

Acknowledge how past experiences make current feelings understandable.
“Given everything you’ve been through, it makes sense you’d feel this way.”

5. Normalize

State that anyone might feel this way in similar circumstances.
“Most people would be overwhelmed in this situation.”

6. Radical Genuineness

Be fully authentic and equal.
“I respect how hard you’re working to cope.”

Tips & Variations

Use a warm, calm tone.
Avoid jumping to problem-solving before validation.
Validate before offering feedback or advice.
Self-validate your own experience, too.

Example

Scenario: Your partner is upset about a mistake at work.

Be Present: Sit down, face them, maintain soft eye contact.
Reflect: “You’re upset that the project didn’t go as planned.”
Mind Reading: “You seem embarrassed and worried about what your boss thinks.”
Understand History: “Considering how much effort you put in, that’s understandable.”
Normalize: “Anyone would feel this way after working so hard.”
Radical Genuineness: “I really admire how much you care.”

Inventor / Origin

Developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD as part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy to help people with intense emotions feel acknowledged and validated.

Related Skills

Mindfulness
Radical Acceptance
Interpersonal Effectiveness (DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST)

Limitations

May not be effective if:

Used insincerely (can feel patronizing).
The other person is in a crisis needing immediate intervention.
Overused to avoid setting limits or solving problems.

Evidence Base

Research shows:

Validation reduces emotional arousal.
Helps build secure attachments.
Increases willingness to collaborate on solutions.

References

Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. Guilford Press.
Fruzzetti, A.E. & Iverson, K.M. (2006). Validation: Theory, Research, and Training. National Center for PTSD.
Tatkin, S. (2011). Wired for Love. New Harbinger Publications.

Validation Skills – Additional DBT Tool